February Round Up

Last month was a difficult month. I lost my Granny and I've been going through medication withdrawals as we work me down to a lower dose. So I didn't post very consistently, but there is always hope for this month!

Personal:

RIP

A New Week Begins

Mixed Bag

Time Much Needed

My Precious Girl

Writing:

Writing ADD #6

Writing ADD #7

Book Reviews:

Blue Bloods by Melissa De la Cruz

Letters from Atlantis by Robert Silverburg

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray

Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett

Agents of Chaos 1: Hero's Trial

The Dreaming Place by Charles de Lint

Coraline by Neil Gaiman

Here's to a less stressful month during March - and more productivity!

Mixed Bag

Oh my - lots on my mind today! I couldn't think of any appropriate title other than "Mixed Bag," because none of it is very related except for by the fact that all of it has to do with my life, and I'm pretty positive I've used the title "Life" one to many times...

If you've noticed that I've been missing from the blog world the last few days it's because we took a trip up north for my Granny's funeral. Peter, Mo, and I traveled together and shared a hotel room to save money. Mom paid for the hotel room, but we were still trying to be smart :P

It was an emotional weekend. We got through it, I'm glad I was there, but it was hard. Now comes the process of moving forward. Moving forward is different from moving on. Moving on implies your leaving someone behind, and it's often a negative connotation. Moving forward...moving forward means taking everything that's come before, acknowledging and incorporating it where appropriate, and then taking the next steps in your life. At least that's what it means to me.

It still hurts.

I'm starting to slowly work towards my usual routine, and feeling more like myself. The last two months have been really hard (it was all so fast!) and I know there will still be hard days to come, but there is a feeling of closure in having the funeral over, and I'm trying to be disciplined about getting done what needs to be done.

My dear hubby installed windows 7 on my laptop (his name is Jack) today. I haven't gotten to play around with it as much as I'd like yet, but so far I like it. Mo says Jack will run faster with 7 than he did on Vista, so that alone makes me happy! I also like the changes I've noticed so far.

Random note: My hubby says my brains wouldn't be good to eat because they are probably tough and stringy since I use them so much. Isn't that sweet of him?

I've been experimenting with cooking more (I can't remember if I've mentioned that or not) and I'm having fun! I've made a stew from scratch, baked my first whole chicken (well, in like 10 years), and tomorrow night I'm going to branch out from cooking salmon when we have fish to cooking Dover Sole this time. I know, doesn't sound like a lot, but it's one of those little victories for me because it's been really hard to cook with all my health problems! I'm slowly getting stronger, and we're going to eat better because of it :)

Have you been watching the Olympics? Nothing has really stood out at me yet, but yesterday was the first chance I had to watch any, and I fell asleep with a migraine around 5. I have a feeling the stuff I wanted to see (figure skating) was on while I was asleep...

A New Week Begins...

First of all, thank you everyone for all your kind words and encouragement this last week. I'm not quite back to "normal" after receiving the news of my Granny's passing, but then again, when am I ever normal? I guess what I mean by that is I'm starting to get back to doing my usual things again. Starting to create things, got my inbox cleaned out of all new e-mails, actually cooking instead of doing cereal, things like that :P

The funeral is going to be on Saturday. We're still working on details about going up.

I found out some frustrating news medically today. I found out a few weeks ago that my neurologist was leaving the Vancouver Clinic (long story) and I've been a little upset about that because he's one of my favorite doctors and we're still trying to get to the bottom of what's behind my migraine. Well...now it turns out that not only is he leaving, they shut down the entire department! So I don't know where I'm going to go for my migraine care. Trying not to panic about all this, but I'm not exactly at my strongest emotionally right now anyway, so adding this on doesn't help.

RIP

We lost my Granny this morning. We'll miss her, but at least she's no longer in pain.

What to Say?

It's been awhile since I've written anything about my Granny, and that's largely because it's hard to know what to say when my heart is this full. There were some special moments on my last visit to her that I will always treasure, but they are way to private to share, and I'm not sure I'd be able to type it out without crying anyway...

It is time for an update though. Granny is not doing well. As far as I've heard they are no longer talking about doing any more treatment, they are simply talking about making her as comfortable as possible for whatever time she has left. She's a lot weaker than when I last saw her...the family has to feed her now and she can't do much for herself at all.

Everyone's pulling together to take her home. The state will pay for a portion of her care, but the family is going to have to take shifts to be there with her at night. I'm really impressed that my Uncles are willing to do this. I never thought they were the type. Please don't take that as I don't like my Uncles, they are great guys, I just never pictured the hunter/construction guys as the type that would be willing to be caregivers! It blows me away and thoroughly impresses me.

My parents are going to do what they can to help, spending at least one weekend if not more up there. It's harder for them because we live 4 hours away, and so it means a lot more gas wise and everything, where as my Uncles live up there. But my parents are definitely doing everything they can. Dad's been up there almost constantly actually, but he's going to have to work at some point...

How am I doing? Well...it's a day by day thing for me. Sometimes I'm fine, other times I'm at the verge of tears, but most of the time I'm doing ok right now. My heart aches for Granny. I know she's very unhappy being this sick. I don't want to lose her, but I also know that sometimes letting go is the best. So I just pray. I pray for her and I pray for all of us and I know we'll get through this one day at time, however long it takes.

Writing ADD #4

Isn't it great how setting yourself goals is a pretty sure fire way to have things happen in life that derail you from pursuing them? Actually, all things considered, I did pretty good this last week! I took another trip up to visit my Granny. This time I left the computer at home, so no e-mails, no writing on the computer, but it was a good trip, and it was the right decision to leave the computer at home! The funny thing is I actually got some writing done anyway...

I don't know what my word total was for last week because I haven't had a chance to type up what I hand wrote on the trip. I did write two different things though, for a total of 7 pages hand written. I'm sure that still falls far short of my word goal for the week, but since I got sick after the trip, and I took the trip, I'm more than happy with that :) One of the things I wrote I plan on posting later this week, because its a story from the trip.

Update: I've since typed up the two pieces and they came to 1564 words. It sure seems like a lot more when your doing it by hand! No wonder I usually type when I write...

Spending Time with Peter

I went up to visit my Granny again this week, and I went up with Peter this time! It was good to spend so much time with him! He's only been back in town for a week or two, and he tends to be a one on one person, so a road trip was the perfect way to reconnect. Not to mention I love how relaxed and laid back a road trip with Peter is. I have fun with Gordon too - for totally different reasons - but this time it was nice to have things so relaxed. There's been a lot going on lately, and I think I really needed that.

We listened to a wide range of music; country, swing, old school Christian, sometimes talking, and sometimes just listening and/or singing along!

It was good to spend more time with Granny - but I don't think I can really talk about that right now. Too many emotions, too private. I'm sure you understand :) The good news is that her radiation treatments are done with - and she has a wee bit of time to regain strength before she has to start chemo. The docs are saying that the chemo shouldn't be too rough - here's hoping and praying!

On the way up we met up Dad in a little tiny, rugged, cafe. That was fun! It was his birthday so it was nice to get to see him, and he was on his way home to spend some time with Mom. He'll be going back up next week sometime. Lunch was fun, even though I ordered breakfast, and MAN those were some of the best hash browns I've had in a long time!

Since Dad was back home, Peter and I stayed at Granny's house by ourselves, which just meant more time to hang out! I even got him to cook me breakfast :P There's a whole story there, I'll share it soon!

Oh yes, and we saw the last 2/3'rds of the movie Aliens. I enjoyed it - and its nice to have seen more than the last 5 minutes of the movie. Of course, some day, I'd still like to see the beginning.

A Trip and a Homecoming

Gordon and I had a pretty good trip up north to visit my Granny. I had my camera with me - but I forgot to take any pictures. Silly me eh? The trip was both really good and really hard at the same time, and on so many levels that it's hard to even think of where to begin! There's a lot I don't want to share because it's simply too personal. I will say that there were some really nice moments with my Granny that I think I will always treasure and hold onto. I'm really glad, even though it hurts to see her so weak and struggling, that I went.

On a brighter note - Peter comes home today! My baby brother has been over seas for two years and I can hardly wait to see him again! We're all bouncing with excitement today :) Gee...I wonder why?

Taking A Trip

I'm so excited! Assuming nothing goes wrong between now and then - Gordon and I are driving up tomorrow to go see Granny :D Now granted, this is MY life were talking about, so any number of things could go wrong, but I'm doubting anything is actually going to prevent us from leaving. It's going to be hard to see Granny so sick, but I'd rather get to see her and be with her and deal with it than sit here not having gotten to give her a hug or anything. So if I'm around even LESS in the next few days - you know why - I'm on the road!

Treatment Starts

Mom and Dad came home from Seattle Saturday afternoon. It was time for Dad to get a break, and I think it was really good for him to have a little bit of time back home before he went back up north to be with his brothers and Granny. I went over to Mom and Dad's yesterday so I could see both of them. I've been talking a lot with Mom through all of this, but I'd only talked to Dad very briefly. I'm glad I went yesterday - because today he ended up heading back up!

It was good to get to talk to Mom and Dad face to face about everything. Getting things over the phone works, but face to face tends to work better over all, especially with Dad. The hard part though was when I finally asked if the doctors were talking time frames yet. They are still being pretty vague, but Mom finally asked "are we talking weeks, months, years?" and the doctor told her were talking months. That's hard to cope with, but at least its better than weeks!

Like I said, Dad headed back up today. Granny got her first of 10 radiation treatments today (no clue how it went) and then my Uncles were driving her from the Seattle hospital to a skilled nursing center back in her home area. I don't know how that went - I'm sure I'll hear more tomorrow though!

Right now we have no idea if Mom and Dad will be home for Christmas. There are soooo many variables! If Dad feels like he needs to be up there than Mom will go back up to join him. It doesn't really bother me because we weren't really planning on doing any big Christmas stuff until after Peter gets home on the 30th anyway.

I'm hoping to go up and see Granny next weekend. Leaving either Saturday or Sunday. It will probably be a two day trip. Since she's back close to her home it'll be a 4 or 5 hour drive, and I'm just not up to riding in a car that long both ways in one day! Right now it looks like the trip will be Gordon and I. He's not really close to Granny, but he likes road trips, and Mo really doesn't. So, since Gordon's willing, we figure it'll be a more entertaining trip if Gordon and I go :) I'll miss Mo, but that's ok.

The Latest News

Mom went up to Seattle yesterday to see Granny and be with Dad. The latest news is that Granny has both brain cancer and lung cancer. Apparently her lung cancer is stage 4, which means its really advanced and there is no cure. They aren't talking "this many months/years" yet, and Mom and I think its because they want to see how she responds to treatments before they start estimating things.

The good news is that there are some treatments they can do to help the brain cancer and improve her quality of life for whatever time she has left. She'll be doing radiation therapy and maybe some chemo. It also looks like she will probably be having to move into an assisted living facility of some sort. Which will be hard, but if it means she gets the best care, that's a good thing!

This continues to be an emotional ride for all of us. I've cried a few times this week, but I'm getting through it and so is everyone else as far as I know. Mo's been a sweet heart and he's being very supportive. He even let me go buy us some ice-cream :P But I'm being a good girl and only eating small portions! Actually, I'm a REALLY good girl, I got the 1/2 fat ice-cream made with Splenda AND I'm eating small portions! Plus I got Mo his own ice-cream so he won't have to eat my "splenda junk" as he calls it.

Some days and moments are harder than others, but that's normal for stuff like this, and all we can do is take it one day at a time and handle it all as best as we can.

A Christmas Miracle :D

Miracles do happen! Kat went to the neurologist yesterday (on a random note, it's MY neurologist, which we think is awesome) and the did a bunch more scans on her brain. Guess what? Her tumor is GONE. They can see where the tumor was, there's an indent on the artery and everything, but the tumor itself is gone! We're all in shock again - but this time its good shock!

They are going to do more scans in about a week just to make sure everything is healing fine, but that's mostly to make sure that the swelling goes down. They'll continue to monitor her for awhile to make sure that nothing comes back. Yippee!!!

We don't have much more news on my Granny. They did move her to Seattle yesterday instead of having her go home for a few days, but that's probably good because we'll get answers quicker ya know? I know they did a bunch of tests yesterday - but we're still waiting for results.

On the home front....did I mention I hurt my ribs? Well, I had a really severe asthma attack on Friday and I thought that I had just coughed a few things out of place, that happens from time to time, it hurts, but I go to see the chiropractor and it gets better in a day or two.

Well, it was hurting pretty bad, but I was trying not to let that worry me. What did worry me was that when I roll over at night or when I stretch I can feel it popping. That's NOT normal. So I made to an appointment to see my chiropractor as soon as possible - that meant yesterday afternoon.

The good news is she's pretty positive I didn't break anything - but I DID manage to sprain my rib. By coughing! Isn't that impressive and crazy all at the same time? She said the popping means I strained and/or tore the ligaments around the rib, and there's a chance I tore the cartilage as well. She said its not really worth going in and getting an x-ray because the treatment is exactly the same either way - wrap my ribs and try not to cough for the next 6 weeks. Yah - that'll be interesting with my asthma.... Oh well - I'll get through this just like everything else. And besides, I have the news that Kat's tumor is GONE to keep me going!

Update on my Granny

The news on my Granny is that... well... we won't know much until later in the week. She has a lesion on her brain - which means that unlike a tumor it's flat - so it doesn't take up as much space I guess. It's about the size of a golf ball. She also has some compressed vertebrae from her fall. She needs to stay in the hospital for a few more days to recover from being dehydrated and then she'll go home for a couple days. My Dad's going to take care of her while she's at home.

She'll be going to a hospital in Seattle soon after she goes home. How soon, I'm not sure. They are trying to find the best place for her right now.

It's been a long week for me - trying to deal with all of this. I'm also still trying to wrap my mind around my close friend having a brain tumor, and dealing with both at once has me in overload mode! The doctor my friend saw doesn't think her tumor is operable at all - and we're all hoping she can get a better diagnosis/opinion while she's home for Christmas.

The good news, on my end at least, is that I'm handling it better than I would have a few short months ago. I AM having physical side-effects, but I'm hanging there, I could be a lot worse than I am right now. I did have a really severe asthma attack Friday night, so we raised my prednisone to help fight that.

Moses, my dear geeky husband, downloaded a MMORPG for me that he's been playing. So I've spent a bunch of time over the last two days playing that. I'm kinda going back and forth between playing and crafting. It helps keep me from focusing on all the bad stuff that is going on.

Why is all this happening at Christmas?

This isn't the first time I've dealt with a lot of trauma at Christmas - and I'm trying hard not to think about what happened before....

Wow - Trying to Process

I don't know if you saw my post earlier this week about "If it's Not One Thing..." Well..

It seems my week of bad news was no where near an end. My Granny (Dad's Mom) is in the hospital. My Aunt got worried when she couldn't get ahold of her and sent my Uncle who leaves near her to check on her. He found her in bed - she'd fallen and hurt her back, not told anyone, and had been in bed for two days with out getting herself any food or water. Well of course my Uncle made her go to the hospital.

Well she compressed vertabrae - and as far as she knows right now that's all. She's so drugged up whe's not questioning that they are keeping her in the hospital. But that's not all that's wrong...

The reason she fell in the first place? She was dizzy because she has a brain tumor. We don't know much yet about prognosis or anything. We'll probably learn more tomorrow. We just know its a fairly large tumor.